| (no subject) |
[Sep. 28th, 2007|08:53 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  weird | ] |
Today is packing-a-go-go. The fun part is the drugs, oh my, the drugs. At least I can not bring many clothes, aside from business wear! I really have nothing to say right now, but felt like typing here, hoping it would start my brain up. On the plus side, that cold that I've been fighting off for a couple of weeks or so seems to be landing. At least I didn't get a headache yesterday!!
I can't believe that I'm leaving my home in 3 days! Holey crap!!! .... well.... ciao~ |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 26th, 2007|12:00 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
Time to stop thinking, and throw away the key for a few weeks.
...neverending brain eats brain eats body eats life eats... |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2007|11:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
Bob is having an "I hate myself week," as well as a "stress is fun," and a "I can't do anything right" kind of week.
So tired at the moment. Time for sleep. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2007|08:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | ill | ] |
So... either I've got some sort of bug, or my body is screaming at me to get more sleep. Today I got a headache around 7:45 a.m. on the way to work, and it increased all day long, despite taking medicine for it.
Along with the pain was a nauseating dizziness that also slowly increased all day, and rushed with each movement I made, making it as though I was in a storm at sea.
My stomach was also quite upset all day, and still is, which sucks.
For the time being, I just want to crawl into a dark cavern and lay in the silence until I feel better. I suspect, however, that that particular action would be of absolutely no use.
I am supposed to go for tea with some friends, but I just want to be a hermit. Oh well. I should go and phone them.
Someone is talking at me at the time being, and all my brain is able to say is ".... "
nevermind,... it is far too impolite to write ;p
.... I am going for tea afterall. Cheerio~ |
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| Lora hates metal claws!! |
[Sep. 6th, 2007|11:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  aggravated in a hidden way^^ | ] |
After beer outing (with many an awkward phase), and not showing up to meet Yumi and her friend as they looked at my "gallery showing," I dropped Barbara off and noticed that the sky to the north was FILLED with northern lights, aka Aurora Borealis). Whoop! My first sighting since coming back from Japan, but certainly not the first of the 'lights this year.
I'm going to bed right away, and it is good to know that I can fall asleep looking at them again. Home sweet home. I can't imagine not experiencing them all of the time. If you don't get them where you are, believe me, you don't need to go as far north as the Yukon or Northwest Territories or Nunavut to see them! Edmonton is a fair sight for them too!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 5th, 2007|11:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
Big news has arrived, but I fear to utter it to many, as everything, seeming too good to be true, may come crumbling down. I think that Annie Lenox (sp?) wrote a song about that... well.. not that, but one whose verses can be placed in my mind's situation. Something about walking on eggshells all of the time.
Her song was about love with a human, and mine is simply about my future.
************
Tomorrow is a busy day. Doctor's appointment in the morning, so I can find out about some allergy stuff that is new AND alarming. After that is the Department's graduate student orientation, and then beer at the faculty club. I'm not a big fan of the club, but at least it is more quiet than the other campus bars, and will contain no undergrads. (Mwaaa haaa haaa... except for my former self in the past.... )
After that, my friend Yumi and I, as well as her friend, will go to Steeps, because they wish to see my photos. ^^ That is quite nice, so I hope I am less awkward than usual upon meeting her friend!!
********************
Today was my first class, and I am sad that I will not get to complete it, but also glad, since I am currently the ONLY grad student studying literature. All of the others are doing linguistics. (uugggghhh) Hopefully when I get back there will be a classmate there as well. Too bad I'll be late for the course.
It seems as though I am delaying going to bed, as usual. It was too late to start working on a thing I am making for S, but I think I shall tomorrow, since Friday is a free day. At least I can keep working at the doctor's office in September! It is quite fun, and I even get to deal with a real-life version of Prof. Umbridge. I should really stop calling her "The Frog" soon, though. It could get me into trouble. There is seldom anybody whom I dislike intensly, but she has made it onto my bad side. Now I just want to ruin her day with small annoyances. Eventually I would like to tell her that respect is something earned, not forced by treating people as slugs. What a horrible Frog Woman she is.
Well! I'm off to bed!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 4th, 2007|09:06 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | calm | ] |
Well. Labour Day weekend has ended, and I am still in the same place that I was previously. In limbo. I am waiting on talking to my advisor, Dr. C, to find out if I can extend the "telling the university whether or not I am deferring" date to Sept. 18, the last day for adding and dropping classes. (Here's hoping!!)
Seldom in life does one feel 99% confident, but I finally do about something. My realization of that confidence is a moment I hope to never forget. Aku tak tak, "S"!
It was looking as though autum was upon us, to the great disgust of everyone, until the weather went back to where it ought to be at this time of year, 30 instead of 15 degrees! The evenings are so peaceful! I just want to go hiking and photographing with someone.
Last Thursday, I recieved a call from Steeps, a popular tea shop, telling me that they wanted my photos up on Sept. 1st, which was Saturday. Dave was kind enough to come over and help me finish matting and framing them, and then take them over and hang them. I had about 15 ready to go, but found that it looked too barren, which added to the day's adventures. We went and found 4 more frames, went back to my house and deliberated which of my 6000 photos to add to the collection. Once they were printed, we looked at how each worked with the frames, decided on 4, and went back to the matting and framing process. The day ended at 4:30, with around 20 photos hanging for sale. Since then, I've been to the shop, and have seen people looking, which pleases me, but there have been no calls about buying them yet. I tried to keep the prices down, but am not sure that any will, infact, sell. It doesn't matter, though. At least I have a 'gallery' showing!!!
I also handmade my business cards, which meant measuring and cutting out around 40 cards from thick watercolour paper. After that, I drew ink designs and coloured them in with watercolour pencil crayons. Heh... those cards are getting a lot of attention, actually, which excites me! I scanned them in the computer downstairs, so I will see if I can sort out how to attach those pictures to this journal. (They won't look quite the same, though.)
Well, I'll have to head over to the university in a couple of hours, and really wish it was safe enough to ride my bike, but as there is no path connecting Sherwood Park and Edmonton, I'll have to either pay $4.25 one way by bus or drive and pay $5 to park for 2 hours. JOY! (note the intense sarcasm)
For the time being, however, I shall simply enjoy my coffee in the sunlight. Ciao~ |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2007|12:51 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
Feeling lost again. THere were some scary drivers on the road. There was also awkward stuff at the campus bar tonight, awkward, but innocent.
Patriotic marketing... a fabricated patriotism that is quite ridiculous, as it offers no identity at all, despite its (high priced) cheap attempts. "I am Canadian because I drink beer." That means that everybody in the world is Canadian. That is pretty cool, actually! Instead of Canadian or Australian or Vietnamese or East Indian, we can all be human. I think human is the best nationality of all.
I am actually really freaking out about life right now, and am compensating by writing down various thoughts that shot through my head this evening. (Leaving out the majority, because no one wants to go there.)
My deadline is September 6th. To defer, a letter must be sent by the aforementioned date.
I had a headache today, that began at noon, and gradually increased in intensity as work progressed. It was fantastic. Then, upon arriving home and making my phonecall, my stomach decided to be upset, which was also fantastic. The cough came back and I am thinking that going to bed would be a fantastic idea.
I will skip graduate student orientation tomorrow, because it begins at 9am, which is midnight 15 hours in advance. There are better ways to spend my time than going to that! SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS (no, it is not a snake sound.) |
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| The flight of a mentor |
[Aug. 23rd, 2007|11:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | distressed | ] |
The flight of a mentor,
unexpected,
in the night.
The corner pillar of that place
departs from sight.
without a word.
without a trace.
My disappointment mixes with shock.
6 years of friendship
and a sudden shock.
word travels not from the traveller himself, but rather, from another.
unexpected shock.
again, i turn to Jane, and in the meantime, wait on word from the wind.
*****************
In other words, my mind will not shut down, and my sleepless nights filled with the occasional nightmare-filled nap are beginning to get to me. All of the time, this feeling of impending doom lingers in the pit of my stomach, and I don't know the reason why. Everything is falling into place, but the screen is (temporarily?) frozen. Perhaps that is it.... it is too soon for a freeze, even if the ends justify this time.
By the way, I am sure they will!!! (I'm just too tired to fight the pessimism right now.....) Damn stomach pit!!!
^^p |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 21st, 2007|10:16 am] |
Here is my update. Yes, it is me yelling"
I HATE LIVING IN LIMBO!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
2 weeks until classes start.... what is going down with my visa for Japan? Will I start my masters programme? Will I take the TA-ship that will probably be offered? Will I go in October to Japan? If so, where? Will it be January? I don't want to wait until January.... I want to see Shinya as soon as possible. January will make it 6 months. I miss him like crazy.
Just knowing would be better... I could start planning my future. |
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| from A to Zed |
[Aug. 15th, 2007|09:44 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
I still don't know what is going on. Will I be in Canada or Japan in 3 weeks time....
Limbo, limbo, limbo. limbo limbo limbo.
In the meantime, I am preparing a portfolio to show at Steeps (for those of you not living here, or having been/ lived here, it is a very popular tea shop), and hang for sale. I have a meeting next Tuesday evening to discuss wall space, hooks, price, etc. with the manager of the shop. I'm actually quite doubtful that anyone would be willing to pay money for my stuff, but I guess it will be cool to have a pseudo gallery showing nontheless.
I am really feeling far too apathetic to write much, but I thought that I ought to force myself to put something up at least once this summer!
All I want to do is go to where S is and be, but in the meantime, limbo limbo limbo (yes, I am singing that line.) |
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| Prairie Morning |
[Jul. 19th, 2007|08:48 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | relaxed | ] |
Prairie wind.
Strong wind.
The spirit of life contained within.
Her hair blows as she closes her eyes,
Carried into past.
Unbroken land, bison, blowing grasses.
The countless number of colours in the earth and in the sky.
Sun breaks on the horizon,
clouds become animated, their appearance otherworldly.
The sky swallows the earth, as the earth swallows the sky.
Oceans of boundless beauty.
Available to those who open their eyes to the ceaseless span of grassland and sky.
Prairie wind. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2007|07:28 pm] |
On second thought... today was the sky and clouds, and while I saw the wasps, I ran away and never looked back.
Now the Pacific is in my mind, and it is a wonderous thing. ^^ |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2007|12:30 pm] |
It seems like I am royally fucking everything up these days. Everything necessary, everything important, everything I cannot do without. I'm looking for directions on a hidden path, succumbing, despite every effort, to maintain some sense of accomplishment. It has even gotten bad enough to mess up my sense of what it means to be messed up.
Due to my work schedule, I am able to talk to my most important person, but not really see my friends or function in the latter half of the day, as I am too tired and grumpy to talk or think or write or drive. I can't switch things, because then I will loose something precious, although, for the time being, it is hiding. I'm hoping that it will come back soon.
The clouds at sunrise are ephemeral in their golden beauty, as they harness shades of pink, purple, and, of course, gold. The sky behind them floats with a brilliant blue, creating an intricate harmony between earth and sky. Not everything inbetween, however. Passing in front of a truck, I discover a most horrific sight that brings me back to reality, as it currently stands. Wasps, hundreds of them are writhing on the front grill, eating their own and other insects killed on the road. It was like a nightmare amidst the fantastical nature of the earth and sky's harmony. Both sights are dreamlike in contrast, but shockingly real. It was as if reality painted itself on my retnas at 5:30 in the morning.
The day seems to have gone more in the direction of the wasps, and it seems that I am powerless to do anything about it, and it stings. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2007|09:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  stressed & drained | ] |
How does one who hates rollercoasters inexplicably finds herself on one. Nevermind the fact that it churns her stomach at every turn and twist, but the fact that she seems to have somehow ended up in a seat with a faulty belt that will not let her get off.
That, my friends, is a metaphor of life right now. I think I'm feeling quite stressed about the future, as it is so incredibly uncertain, despite all of the almost concrete plans. On top of that, I, being a beggar, decided to become a carrier, which has me waking up at 3 a.m. and needing to go to bed at 9 or even 10 p.m., but not being able to either relax or sleep while it is still so sunny out. I really have no complaints... I am just freaking at the moment.
Some friends are (most likely unbeknownst to themselves) putting pressure on me, and it is... not a good time. Not that there ever is, mind you, but.... just at this particular moment.... body feels weak, mind feels weak, i'm on the edge and not that happy at the moment. Oh well. At least I get more hours in a day now!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 2nd, 2007|04:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | angry | ] |
Thoughts are eating me alive.
あのさ、
。。。。いや、別に。
I think I will go for a run. |
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| Can't Sleep; Thoughts will eat me. |
[Jul. 2nd, 2007|01:41 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | weird | ] |
Sometimes you have to restart life, and it is strangly complicated.
What is the true meaning of interesting?
Can thoughts eat you? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 1st, 2007|02:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  allergic to life | ] |
So, it is Canada Day today, and I am going to pick up Yumi soon and take her to buy a camera. Then, we are meeting up with some friends at the wonderfully delicious, hip, mellow Sugar Bowl for dinner and drinks. There are also fireworks tonight, but the thing is, I am feeling incredibly under the weather due to allergies.
All of the skin in my mouth is peeling off, the back of my throat is raw and tastes like blood, as it is rashed and bleeding, and if you have ever had a chemical burn on your tongue, you would understand what I mean when I say that it feels like I have a chemical burn on my tongue. (Trust me.... I have had one before. In Boston, actually. It was because of a new asthma medication.)
As well, my nose is burning and extremely painful, and breathing or putting anything, including water, into my mouth is...... uncomfortable at best. As a result, I think I will skip the fireworks tonight, as that would have me outside for 5 or 6 hours, and there is enough Popular fuzz to make one million pillows.
The allergy stuff is taking lots out of my body. I feel tired, depressed, weak, annoyed, and quite horrible in general. On top of that, a remark made by S after my return home about something is really hitting home. I can understand that person's feelings now, as I am feeling the same way. That's good, I guess. ^^ It is learning something new, and appreciating things more, even when my brain and body are finding negative in everything, due to feeling crappy. The mind is interesting. I think it looks for alternate discomfort when faced with a certain type of discomfort. In this case, due to allergies and some things, my brain is picking up on many other negative things. However, now that I realize this, I can overcome it.
Everything in life is training, and training is good. ^^ |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 1st, 2007|01:02 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | tegan and sarah- i hear noises | ] |
The clouds gather, a tree bends in the wind. A bird, resting on its branch is good company.
Jerk. The wind. A jerk.
The tree remains, yet sways and bends. The bird no longer rests.
A tree in a field, a tree in a forest. A jerk. A jerk, that gust of wind.
*************************
Today is a bad day. Too many rivers flood the mind, but there is nowhere to release them. Flowing, flowing, but never above the water.
*******************************
I have many things to write, but they are far too personal, and partly due to a lack of sleep, and not knowing how to deal. I want to scream, but silently.
damn it all. damn damn damn. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2007|08:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | anxious | ] |
"I'm totally freakin' out, man!"
"No problem! Caffeine will save the day!"
"What about the night?"
*frogs croak.
...literally
.........................................................croak |
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